God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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