I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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