The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I just threw up on my dentist
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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