You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
