WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
