My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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