im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize