you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
