i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
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Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
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I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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