apparently the secret to your success is patron
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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