speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.