Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.