Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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