they're staring at me
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
25 People Confess The Most Awkward Situation They’ve Ever Been In
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
These Are 21 Of The Most Delusional People Ever
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.