I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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