Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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