omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Randomize
