I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
