dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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