I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
