If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
