I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
