I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
