nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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