Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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