Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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