Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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