Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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