As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
