the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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