Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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