Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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