so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
