just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
