Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
