If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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