every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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