i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
