y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
