Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.