Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.