My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
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First date: that requires underwear, huh?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
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i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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