What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
