could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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