If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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