Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
