A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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