I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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