my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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