dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
‪Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best. ‬
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
