I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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