i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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