I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
