I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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