she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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