you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
