just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
