this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
