i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
