Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
