just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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